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| About me |
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I am a
dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my
lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of
heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days
in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone
playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with
unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in
love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon
Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I
build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban
hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a
ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my
original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the
weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in
international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with
deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick,
and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I
have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I
sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated
with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are
all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate
in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the
meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made
extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a
toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won
bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri
Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college. |
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Gavin
Taylor |
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